Return of the Prodigal Port-drinker

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 12:56 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Hello. I'm back, in a slightly leaner format; management in the home office decided to restructure and the upshot has been a de-merging of most major operations. I expect to have much more time to spend in the cellar.

I'm afraid I lost my TNs of the New York tasting. So the mystery of that great event will be preserved. However I will look through some of the other TNs I have in a pile here and see whether any of them are worth posting.

AW77 · Post by **AW77** » 13:12 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Hurray, Daniel is back.

Post by **DRT** » 13:15 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Welcome back

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 13:18 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Thank you. Now please could someone slay the fatted pork pie?

Post by **DRT** » 13:34 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:Thank you. Now please could someone slay the fatted pork pie?

I'm not allowed. Like the Giant in the land atop the beansprout my Life Coach has awoken from his slumber and is asking difficult questions about what happened to all his eggs. I am about to be put on a strict regime of non-food food and non-alcoholic alcohol. It was described to me at great length yesterday as "Juice only" and the detailed description mentioned kale

I did not see any mention of Pork Pie qualifying as juice.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 13:36 Sun 14 Jun 2015

We can speak about this in Belfast over some :ahem: kale and fruit juice.

Post by **DRT** » 13:44 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:We can speak about this in Belfast over some :ahem: kale and fruit juice.

Gotcha

Post by **jdaw1** » 15:46 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:a de-merging of most major operations.

Should this be a cause of commiseration or congratulation?

Post by **jdaw1** » 15:48 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:We can speak about this in Belfast over some :ahem: kale and fruit juice.

I did 3½ days. You need to do 30. My wife is about to instruct you to watch Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead: prepare an entertaining response.

JDAW, in an email to DRT, wrote:Last year I was a good life coach, partly because I led by example. So far this year, not so much.

Today, Saturday 13th, is the third day of a four-day juice-only diet, which my wife describes as a ‘cleanse’. (Huh? I shower twice a day.) The rules for such masochism are as follows.
• Start with food-free food.
• Process to remove any traces of food that might accidentally have contaminated the food-free non-food†.
• Drink the doubly-food-free anti-food.
• Do not eat anything else, especially not anything that might satisfy or taste good.
• No Port. No wine. No sherry. No Madeira. No beer. No gin-and-tonic. Just no. And no cashews while not drinking any of these things.
• Scowl.
• If the children are within hearing distance refrain from using phrases resembling “—ing miserable”.

You do not need to do exactly this. But you are a tub of lard whose tubbiness needs to become less 600cl-imperial and more 75cl-single. Do something, mostly by doing less of something in particular.

And consider yourself to have been led by example.

— Julian ‘no longer just fat, now fat and grumpy’ Wiseman.

† Today’s lunch-time poison included kale. Really, kale?! I am not a girl. Do not call me Caitlyn.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 16:03 Sun 14 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:
djewesbury wrote:a de-merging of most major operations.
Should this be a cause of commiseration or congratulation?

At this point, commiserations are acceptable.
Your second point is not answered as it seems to be off-topic. Could I propose we move it to a new thread entitled 'Life-Coach Bullying'? Perhaps it could be linked to Alcohol and Health.

Post by **DRT** » 16:10 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:
djewesbury wrote:a de-merging of most major operations.
Should this be a cause of commiseration or congratulation?
At this point, commiserations are acceptable.
Your second point is not answered as it seems to be off-topic. Could I propose we move it to a new thread entitled 'Life-Coach Bullying'? Perhaps it could be linked to Alcohol and Health.

Or we could change the thread title to "Return of the Prodigal Port-drinker, the Absent Life Coach and their Lard Friend? Or, more concisely, "Three Men, No Pork Pie"?

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 16:19 Sun 14 Jun 2015

DRT wrote:
djewesbury wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:
djewesbury wrote:a de-merging of most major operations.
Should this be a cause of commiseration or congratulation?
At this point, commiserations are acceptable.
Your second point is not answered as it seems to be off-topic. Could I propose we move it to a new thread entitled 'Life-Coach Bullying'? Perhaps it could be linked to Alcohol and Health.
Or we could change the thread title to "Return of the Prodigal Port-drinker, the Absent Life Coach and their Lard Friend? Or, more concisely, "Three Men, No Pork Pie"?

"Three Men, No Pork Pie" sounds like a summer Hollywood flop, probably designed as a vehicle to boost the flagging career of the aged Macaulay Culkin.

EDIT: I like it. Sorry, I should have specified.

Post by **DRT** » 16:45 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:"Three Men, No Pork Pie" sounds like a summer Hollywood flop, probably designed as a vehicle to boost the flagging career of the aged Macaulay Culkin.

So if Culkin is playing DJ and Mel Gibson plays DRT, does that only leave Russell Crowe playing JDAW in a homage to his role in A Beautiful Mind?

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 16:59 Sun 14 Jun 2015

DRT wrote:
djewesbury wrote:"Three Men, No Pork Pie" sounds like a summer Hollywood flop, probably designed as a vehicle to boost the flagging career of the aged Macaulay Culkin.
So if Culkin is playing DJ and Mel Gibson plays DRT, does that only leave Russell Crowe playing JDAW in a homage to his role in A Beautiful Mind?

Perfect casting, even if it exceeds the number of Australians that it is advisable to have in any film (albeit only by two). I have refrained from suggesting which leading actresses might be cast as the pork pie for fear of receiving an Administrative PM so early in my return to international drivel.

Post by **DRT** » 18:39 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:
DRT wrote:
djewesbury wrote:"Three Men, No Pork Pie" sounds like a summer Hollywood flop, probably designed as a vehicle to boost the flagging career of the aged Macaulay Culkin.
So if Culkin is playing DJ and Mel Gibson plays DRT, does that only leave Russell Crowe playing JDAW in a homage to his role in A Beautiful Mind?
Perfect casting, even if it exceeds the number of Australians that it is advisable to have in any film (albeit only by two). I have refrained from suggesting which leading actresses might be cast as the pork pie for fear of receiving an Administrative PM so early in my return to international drivel.

Why would this film need an actress to play a pork pie? There is no pork pie!

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 19:49 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Quite.

Post by **jdaw1** » 20:59 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.

Post by **PhilW** » 21:47 Sun 14 Jun 2015

DRT wrote:I did not see any mention of Pork Pie qualifying as juice.

Do you own a blender? No pork pie slain here, though several delicious pork sausages. I seem to remember a (possibly apocryphal) tale of somebody liquidising Mars bars after their jaws had been wired to stop them over-eating. Good to see DJ back in da house; rock on.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 21:55 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Good to have you back Daniel, glad you made it.

I think we have all been grieving your absence quietly, I have not felt such a universal sense of loss since Poldark finished.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 22:15 Sun 14 Jun 2015

Commiserations but welcome back. Are you still based in Belfast?

Post by **jdaw1** » 22:52 Sun 14 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:I will look through some of the other TNs I have in a pile here and see whether any of them are worth posting.

Please do post them all.

Post by **DRT** » 23:24 Sun 14 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.

I assume you missed the first 90 seconds of the film where the co-star ate the love interest?

Any rumour that I was involved in the liquidised, deep-fried Mars bar incident is pure speculation.

Post by **PhilW** » 06:05 Mon 15 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.

Also Alien/Aliens.
Rather than "three middle-aged men and a pork pie", perhaps "Attack of the killer pork pies" would be more appropriate.

Post by **DRT** » 06:15 Mon 15 Jun 2015

PhilW wrote:Rather than "three middle-aged men and a pork pie", perhaps "Attack of the killer pork pies" would be more appropriate.

Heretic!

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 06:25 Mon 15 Jun 2015

PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote: "three middle-aged men and a pork pie", perhaps "Attack of the killer pork pies" would be more appropriate.

That sounds like the book Jerome K Jerome would have written if he wasn't feeling quite so energetic.

Post by **jdaw1** » 07:18 Mon 15 Jun 2015

PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.
Also Alien/Aliens.

Does the Pork Pie see me as Jaws or as Alien? Probably both.

Post by **PhilW** » 08:46 Mon 15 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:
PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.
Also Alien/Aliens.
Does the Pork Pie see me as Jaws or as Alien? Probably both.

Surely the pork pie would be the face-hugger, trying to force its way down your throat?
Daniel - can we have a face-hugger-shaped pork pie (with black pudding of course) please?

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 12:21 Mon 15 Jun 2015

PhilW wrote:Good to see DJ back in da house; rock on.

LGTrotter wrote:Good to have you back Daniel, glad you made it.

I think we have all been grieving your absence quietly, I have not felt such a universal sense of loss since Poldark finished.

AHB wrote:Commiserations but welcome back. Are you still based in Belfast?

Thank you all. Yes, still in Belfast.
*whispers* I never finished Poldark.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 12:22 Mon 15 Jun 2015

PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:
PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.
Also Alien/Aliens.
Does the Pork Pie see me as Jaws or as Alien? Probably both.
Surely the pork pie would be the face-hugger, trying to force its way down your throat?
Daniel - can we have a face-hugger-shaped pork pie (with black pudding of course) please?

I can see what I can do.....

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 12:22 Mon 15 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:
djewesbury wrote:I will look through some of the other TNs I have in a pile here and see whether any of them are worth posting.
Please do post them all.

Yessir.

Post by **jdaw1** » 12:31 Mon 15 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:
djewesbury wrote:a de-merging of most major operations.
Should this be a cause of commiseration or congratulation?
At this point, commiserations are acceptable.

Commiserations.

Post by **PhilW** » 12:35 Mon 15 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:
PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:
PhilW wrote:
jdaw1 wrote:Not all films need a love-interest side-story. An example of a film that didn’t is, err, Jaws.
Also Alien/Aliens.
Does the Pork Pie see me as Jaws or as Alien? Probably both.
Surely the pork pie would be the face-hugger, trying to force its way down your throat?
Daniel - can we have a face-hugger-shaped pork pie (with black pudding of course) please?
I can see what I can do.....

Excellent. Please note that taking a large pork pie and ramming it into someone's face custard-pie-style while yelling "FACE-HUGGER!" does not count.

Post by **DRT** » 21:24 Mon 15 Jun 2015

PhilW wrote:Please note that taking a large pork pie and ramming it into someone's face custard-pie-style while yelling "FACE-HUGGER!" does not count.

Pork pie and custard? Now we are talking my kind of language!

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 21:26 Mon 15 Jun 2015

I'm so glad I'm back…

Post by **jdaw1** » 22:14 Mon 15 Jun 2015

DRT wrote:Pork pie and custard? Now we are talking my kind of language!

So Derek, report back from Day 1 of the Re-Diet.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 22:22 Mon 15 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:
DRT wrote:Pork pie and custard? Now we are talking my kind of language!
So Derek, report back from Day 1 of the Re-Diet.

Get your own thread. This is not the Derek-bullying corner. Or at least, not your Derek-bullying corner.

Post by **DRT** » 22:25 Mon 15 Jun 2015

jdaw1 wrote:
DRT wrote:Pork pie and custard? Now we are talking my kind of language!
So Derek, report back from Day 1 of the Re-Diet.

I didn't have any custard and I didn't have any pork pie. This morning and this afternoon was a misery of unparalleled proportions. The evening, not so much.

Roll on day 2.

Post by **jdaw1** » 22:27 Mon 15 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:Get your own thread.

A little sharing from the Prodigal Port-drinker would not be inappropriate. You deserted us, and are now trying to seize thread ten thousand and six as all yours. No: share!

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 22:29 Mon 15 Jun 2015

Thread 10,006 is all that I am truly able to call my own. And yet even that they want to take from me.

Post by **DRT** » 22:35 Mon 15 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:Thread 10,006 is all that I am truly able to call my own. And yet even that they want to take from me.

Now, now. You have had a massive outpouring of sympathy in this thread already. Time to man-up dear boy. Stiff upper lip and all that.

Post by **jdaw1** » 22:35 Mon 15 Jun 2015

Thread nine thousand four hundred and eighty-nine is all yours. Nobody else has touched it. Lie in it and sleep well. And begrudge not others a taste of ten thousand and six.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 22:41 Mon 15 Jun 2015

You could have posted a link. Oh well; it wouldn't be the first time that nobody had a clue what you were on about.

Glenn E. · Post by **Glenn E.** » 23:05 Mon 15 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:You could have posted a link. Oh well; it wouldn't be the first time that nobody had a clue what you were on about.

Those with beyond-rudimentary internet skillz might simply edit the browser's current URL with the desired thread number.

But since I have tasted your pork pies, here you go: 9489

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 23:07 Mon 15 Jun 2015

No URL in Tapatalk Glenn - or thread numbers. So I thank you.

Glenn E. · Post by **Glenn E.** » 23:08 Mon 15 Jun 2015

You are welcome. And welcome back.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 23:09 Mon 15 Jun 2015

Glenn E. wrote:You are welcome. And welcome back.

Thanks

Post by **DRT** » 23:36 Mon 15 Jun 2015

Get a room boys.

So, will there be a pork pie waiting for me on Sunday?

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 07:22 Tue 16 Jun 2015

DRT wrote:Get a room boys.

So, will there be a pork pie waiting for me on Sunday?

Answer for your life coach: No.

Real answer: No.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 09:54 Tue 16 Jun 2015

djewesbury wrote:
DRT wrote:Get a room boys.

So, will there be a pork pie waiting for me on Sunday?
Answer for your life coach: No.

Real answer: No.

You don't have time for pork pies DRT. You still owe me an updated tasting notes extract. Or you need to show me how to do one and then how to upload it.

idj123 · Post by **idj123** » 11:20 Tue 16 Jun 2015

Welcome back Daniel-and to the jesting (nay, baiting) that takes place long after I have gone to bed!

Incidentally-don't recall any love interest in The Treasure of Sierra Madre, but then it's a long while since I've seen this great film.