It's just not cricket

Post by **DRT** » 01:19 Fri 03 Jan 2014

djewesbury wrote:78/3! that's more like it...England

I corrected your mistake.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:20 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:
LGTrotter wrote:That'll do!
That guy Bell looks like a safe pair of hands.

Indeed. A highly polished t**d.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 01:21 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:
djewesbury wrote:78/3! that's more like it...England
I corrected your mistake.

Post by **DRT** » 01:27 Fri 03 Jan 2014

What would be "par" on this ground for the first innings? At least 400?

Post by **DRT** » 01:29 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:What would be "par" on this ground for the first innings? At least 400?

308 is the answer.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:30 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:What would be "par" on this ground for the first innings? At least 400?

The old adage is that you have to see an innings from both teams, it means I don't know. I bet South Africa would make 400.

Post by **DRT** » 01:32 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Credit where it is due, a very good first session from England.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:32 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Lunch team talk. England bowlers hey? No problems with 20 wickets here I fancy.

Post by **DRT** » 01:34 Fri 03 Jan 2014

LGTrotter wrote:Lunch team talk. England bowlers hey? No problems with 20 wickets here I fancy.

All we need now is Jimmy Hill and John Motson to convince everyone that the first four tests were a blip and winning the World Cup is as certain as certain can be.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:35 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Australia have rather given their wickets away though.

Post by **DRT** » 01:37 Fri 03 Jan 2014

LGTrotter wrote:Australia have rather given their wickets away though.

True. And we must remember that the lowest Ashes score on this ground is 42 all out.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:41 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:
LGTrotter wrote:Australia have rather given their wickets away though.
True. And we must remember that the lowest Ashes score on this ground is 42 all out.

Check out the stat machine that is Derek! Will Haddin manage to wag the tail? All will be revealed when I wake up tomorrow.

Post by **DRT** » 01:47 Fri 03 Jan 2014

LGTrotter wrote:Check out the stat machine that is Derek!

As John Lennon once said: all you need is Sky

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:47 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Oh goody. Gideon Haigh.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 08:41 Fri 03 Jan 2014

So Rankin's test career is over. He will never be considered reliable enough to be in the England side again when they pursue their policy of 4 front-line bowlers. England's current physio will be sacked for allowing an injured player back on the field.

Finn will retire from test cricket thinking that the selectors are a bunch of muppets, so why should he bother. Instead he'll take up residency in Ireland and become part of the Ireland team who win the next ICC Championship and part of Ireland's first test side.

Carberry will be dropped and become nothing more memorable than a picture on Question of Sport. Cook will be releived of the captaincy - which will be given to Bairstow - but will rediscover his form and start scoring double hundreds again, to become England's highest scoring batsman with the most test centuries and test double centuries.

Trott will follow in Ramprakash's footsteps and will become the leading batsman in the County Championship for the next 3 seasons, but will never play for England again. Root will be back in the England side, initially as number 5 but in 2-3 years time will be asked to open in an emergency and will score such a Gower-esque century that he will become the long-term rock around which England builds future innings.

Pietersen will retire from test cricket as soon as this match is over. He has already made his mind up about this so will play with absolute freedom in both innings, scoring in his typical swashbuckling style when he is at his best. He will win the game for England and announce his retirement as he is given the man-of-the-match award. Chopra will come back into contention and will eventually settle into the England team, alongside Gary Ballance.

Prior is history. The Keeper's gloves will rotate between Bairstow, Kieswetter and Davies but England will not have a settled and preferred keeper for several years to come. Anderson will be sent back to county cricket to rediscover his mojo, which he will do in time for the short series this summer against Sri Lanka. David Willey and Ben Stokes will become established all rounders in the side, along with Stuart Broad. Stuart Broad will eventually give way to Chris Jordan, but not for some time.

But what to do when England need a spinner...

Post by **DRT** » 09:39 Fri 03 Jan 2014

What will happen to Bell?

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 09:39 Fri 03 Jan 2014

My God. How long have you been compiling this analysis, Alex?? Very impressive. Only one thing I'd quibble with: Davies? Nah.
I think Borthwick isn't done yet. And will Rankin now do an Ed Joyce and spend four disconsolate years waiting to renominate for Ireland..? Perhaps in time to play in the side that beats England in a Test? Although he's getting on a bit..

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 09:42 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:What will happen to Bell?

He'll be at 5 for a couple of years I'd say. If only to annoy Owen. Maybe he'll be the new captain!

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 10:08 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Stokes said that Rankin was just cramped, not hamstrung, so he should be bowling in the Aus 2nd inns.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 10:47 Fri 03 Jan 2014

djewesbury wrote:Stokes said that Rankin was just cramped, not hamstrung, so he should be bowling in the Aus 2nd inns.

Do you really want to rely on a bowler who cramps up after 8.1 overs and then again after 0.1 overs? What a mess his mind will be in the second innings even if it was only cramp. There is no way he will be able to bowl flat out.

And as for Davies, from what I've seen he is the best 'keeper eligible for England, his work behind the stumps being superb. What keeps him out of the current England side is his batting - but this improving season after season.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 14:15 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Alex; the summation of a master, I know where TMS will go to find a new Boycott. Not much to argue with so I will, just to pass the time.

Rankin's career is not over, the bloke who picked him should be sacked for picking someone who hasn't had a bowl for six weeks. Surely the whole point of Stokes is that this gives them flexibility in their bowling. Finn is being protected as a replacement for Anderson who is a bit long in the tooth for a rebirth. Pray God they do not pick him against Sri Lanka as that is the time to try out the newbies.

Carberry will be dropped, Cook will be relieved of the captaincy. He will not thrive on this because he believes it is his destiny to be England captain. He will sulk, have a run of poor form and be dropped in a season or two following yet another dressing room argument with the new captain, Bell. Bell will obviously favour a ginger side and this will be picked accordingly. Trott will follow Trescothick's path, no 'Strictly' title for him I fancy. Root will come back into the side at five and will stay there for a long and productive career. Pieterson thinks he is far too important to retire and will continue until he is 41 and retire with a slightly lower average than his age. He will of course continue to sow dragon's teeth in the team which will grow, making cricket the selfish sportsman's career.

Prior is probably history and the gloves will swap between Kieswetter and Buttler.

Onions will be tried again with Finn and play for long enough to see Meaker as the new ball bowler, the academy which is going to produce 100mph bowlers will suceed and 110 will be the new aspirational speed by 2030.

Borthwick will keep his place in the ginger coup (he won't reallly, down with leggies).

England's ginger team will be Compton, Root, Bell, Stokes, Broad (he had to dye his hair a bit), Borthwick, Bairstow, Rankin, Buttler, oh come on there must be more...

Many years later... a secret envelope bequeathed by Ian Bell's grandchildren to the nation reveal that Bell had compromising photographs of a key figure in English cricket. Bell finally retired in 2036 with an average of 11, he was kept for his captaincy it was said.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 14:42 Fri 03 Jan 2014

I suppose Paul Collingwood could be recalled to stiffen ginger resistance.

Having just re-read my post I am glad it is under 'meaningless drivel'.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 15:04 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Eoin Morgan, of course.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 15:08 Fri 03 Jan 2014

What England are really missing is a batsman of modest talent who is difficult to get out, who works hard, accumulates runs in ones and twos and who scores really slowly, running out any team mates who are scoring too many boundaries. My mother with a stick of rhubarb could bat better than some of England's current batsmen.

Let's hope Andersen gets bounced and bit a few times so he gets angry. I still remember when Gladstone Small got bounced and angry - and then bowled out the opposition at the MCG in 1987 'cos he was so angry.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 15:39 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Down with leggies? The only thing I can usefully do is bowl leg spin.
But that was in the days of uncovered pitches.
I am not ginger.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 15:59 Fri 03 Jan 2014

djewesbury wrote:Down with leggies? The only thing I can usefully do is bowl leg spin.
But that was in the days of uncovered pitches.
I am not ginger.

First cos they're rubbish, I suppose there was that Australian one, oh and Laker. And Murilitheran. And Grimlett. Oh alright they're not rubbish but I distrust them. Eyes too close together.
Uncovered pitches? You ask Alex Boycott about them, he'll bowl one up the corridor of uncertainty.
Finally; I suspect a rug.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 16:20 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Throws tantrum, enters into bitter campaign of recriminations, exchanges ribald insults, throws down gauntlet and challenges to duel, embarks on letter-writing campaign to The Times, engages services of Peer of the Realm, receives PM from admins, backs down, commences pointless love-in...

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 17:46 Fri 03 Jan 2014

djewesbury wrote:Down with leggies? The only thing I can usefully do is bowl leg spin.
But that was in the days of uncovered pitches.
I am not ginger.

Well if you;re not ginger and can't bat you'll never play for England!

Oh. Hold on. If you can't bat you're a perfect candidate - fancy opening the batting against Australia? Or going in number 3 like Jimmy?

Post by **DRT** » 17:55 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Prediction time:

187 all out.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 18:00 Fri 03 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:Prediction time:

187 all out.

43 all out - and very relieved at scoring more than 42.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 18:04 Fri 03 Jan 2014

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 18:09 Fri 03 Jan 2014

My first prediction is that Derek is going to be nearest.

My second is that England will be all out for 273.

My third is Engand will be all out for around 140 in the second innings and Australia will win by about the same margin.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 23:36 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Cook lbw for 7.
That's one way to resign your job I suppose.

Post by **DRT** » 23:37 Fri 03 Jan 2014

AHB wrote:
DRT wrote:Prediction time:

187 all out.
43 all out - and very relieved at scoring more than 42.

This might not be far wrong!

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 23:57 Fri 03 Jan 2014

Maybe Jimmy should open the batting. He scored the same as Cook.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 00:17 Sat 04 Jan 2014

I see England are staging a recovery - managing 4 runs for the 5th wicket. At least Ballance is thinking "what the heck, the stage is made for me now"

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 00:18 Sat 04 Jan 2014

AHB wrote:I see England are staging a recovery - managing 4 runs for the 5th wicket. At least Ballance is thinking "what the heck, the stage is made for me now"

Do you want to revise your guess down?

Post by **DRT** » 00:24 Sat 04 Jan 2014

Bell is proving his worth again. There can't be many top order batsmen who can deliver and average of 0.33 runs per over.

djewesbury · Post by **djewesbury** » 00:30 Sat 04 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:Bell is proving his worth again. There can't be many top order batsmen who can deliver and average of 0.33 runs per over.

You got another wicket.

Post by **DRT** » 00:30 Sat 04 Jan 2014

djewesbury wrote:
AHB wrote:I see England are staging a recovery - managing 4 runs for the 5th wicket. At least Ballance is thinking "what the heck, the stage is made for me now"
Do you want to revise your guess down?

Can I take 35 all out?

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 00:31 Sat 04 Jan 2014

Wow. Just what could they do to make this more awful? I may have to stay up for the end of the test in about an hour.

Post by **Alex Bridgeman** » 00:47 Sat 04 Jan 2014

Don't put England down. So far this innings they have managed to match their current innings highest partnership 3 times!!

Not even Australia managed that. They only had a single highest highest partnership in their first innings.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 00:50 Sat 04 Jan 2014

I am about to put the mockers on the new boys but it seems to have calmed down.

Post by **DRT** » 00:52 Sat 04 Jan 2014

I think it was a mistake to stop using Johnson. I know he only goes in short bursts but three more overs and he could have skittled all the youngsters before they had time to think.

Owen, you are correct. Australia are a bit rubbish.

Post by **DRT** » 01:16 Sat 04 Jan 2014

Is now a good time to remind Owen and Daniel that they said this test wasn't the right time to blood some new talent?

Where do I get an application form for the Chairman of the Selection Committee job? Can I pick one up at the Post Office?

I do hope this pair go on to at least a hundred partnership so that they can be Mr & Mrs Smug when they get back to the changing room and meet all those old boys who are planning to retire tomorrow.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 01:45 Sat 04 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:Is now a good time to remind Owen and Daniel that they said this test wasn't the right time to blood some new talent?

Is this a wind up? You certainly could remind me or Daniel if this was the case, fortunately it isn't.

DRT wrote:I do hope this pair go on to at least a hundred partnership so that they can be Mr & Mrs Smug when they get back to the changing room and meet all those old boys who are planning to retire tomorrow.

They look OK don't they? Bit of smugness over lunch perhaps.

Post by **DRT** » 02:03 Sat 04 Jan 2014

LGTrotter wrote:
DRT wrote:Is now a good time to remind Owen and Daniel that they said this test wasn't the right time to blood some new talent?
Is this a wind up? You certainly could remind me or Daniel if this was the case, fortunately it isn't.

Apologies, it was only Daniel!

djewesbury wrote:A Test Match in Australia at the end of a dead rubber, when the senior players are fed up and offering no leadership, is a terrible place to give someone their first cap.

LGTrotter · Post by **LGTrotter** » 02:36 Sat 04 Jan 2014

I thought Daniel withdrew his objection to new talent after the fourth test?

Post by **DRT** » 09:39 Sat 04 Jan 2014

LGTrotter wrote:I thought Daniel withdrew his objection to new talent after the fourth test?

Yes, he did subsequently admit he was wrong.

Post by **DRT** » 09:45 Sat 04 Jan 2014

DRT wrote:187

AHB wrote:43

djewesbury wrote:246

LGTrotter wrote:273

England 155 all out. Another point for DRT.