Vers de Societe.

[LGTrotter]

If I go round somewhere for dinner, or I am at home having done the unthinkable and invited friends to the trough I am often despondent about what port to give them, or take with me. There are a precious few who love a good glass of port that I will give of my best, but then there are the others...

My conundrum lies in do I take something which will lift me and be unnoticed by the rest (how many bottles of a decent 70 have I thrown away on this enterprise?). Or do I do what everybody else seems to and go to Tesco, or wherever, and buy an LBV or some tawny? I have given up entirely on trying to give them claret. I can see they find the 'sombre bite' rather perplexing. Burgundy is appreciated but is prohibitively expensive. And as I am known as someone who likes his wine I find that people freeze onto my bottles and I end up in an unseemly race to neck as much of the Graham 77 as I can before the bloke who is lashed up on Chilean Merlot can do his human sponge impersonation.

There probably is no clear answer to this point of etiquette, but advice, commiseration or admonition would be appreciated.

[djewesbury]

I think, having presumably tried your best to educate these ungulates, you should feed them slops and bring small sample bottles of good gear that you neck in the jacks, alone.

[jdaw1]

Bring them an enjoyable cellar-defender, that you can drink with pleasure.

Perhaps a noon-decanted Graham Crusted bottled 1998. It can be the centre of a splendid evening. But if guzzle-guts does too much, your upset is no more than slight.

Or, as an alternative, on these pages I have previously praised the half bottles of Sainsbury’s BOB Madeira. Two halves of that, pre-poured into a decanter, would give pleasure to all and grief to none.

[jdaw1]

ungulates

Ungulates? Does this make sense, or is it a random (moderately) obscure word that fell into your fingers whilst typing? Justify.

[djewesbury]

No. I don't have to. Use your imagination, or if that fails, a dictionary (look up 'metaphor').

[DRT]

The word "ungulates" was used by a toffee-nosed politician last week to describe a bunch of commoners who had in some way offended him. I do not recall his name or the substance of the story but do remember the meaning of the word being discussed on BBC news.

I suspect Daniel is simply trying to join the toffee-nose bandwagon of popular culture.

[DRT]

Owen,

When I first began to appreciate fine Port I had very similar experiences to those you describe, mainly with parents and in-laws. Five bottles of big shipper 1963/1966 at Christmas dinners being gulped down in a single swallow with a mouthful of sherry trifle to hide the taste before the cheese had even left the fridge taught me to do more or less what JDAW recommends.

For the record, none of my parents or in-laws have hooves.

[LGTrotter]

Thanks for the sage advice, having stocked up liberally on the 03 Vau Sandeman this may prove to be the way forward. It has never occurred to me to give them madeira, but it may be worth a shot.

Ungulates interested me less than the term 'the jacks', one which I had to search my mind for before I remembered.

And I have resigned myself to dishing up something decent at the family Christmas, but a least three of us enjoy a proper glass of port and I do not feel inhibited about wrestling the bottle from my relatives. Whereas drinking as a contact sport is frowned on at the kind of places I go for dinner these days. More's the pity.

[djewesbury]

The word "ungulates" was used by a toffee-nosed politician last week to describe a bunch of commoners who had in some way offended him. I do not recall his name or the substance of the story but do remember the meaning of the word being discussed on BBC news.

I suspect Daniel is simply trying to join the toffee-nose bandwagon of popular culture.

For the record, none of my parents or in-laws have hooves.

Derek, as I don't fill my existence with the titbits of irrelevant daily life, I missed this attempt by a public figure to enrich the language as it is spoke. I'm at a bit of a loss as to the Port Forum's inability to comprehend metaphor. If I had used a cliché – perhaps something like 'great unwashed' – to refer to the non-initiates to the virtues of port, no doubt you'd all have managed to get my meaning, without needing to check whether the flannels in the family bathroom had lately been used. But I embark on a new metaphor and you have them all taking their shoes and socks off to check for hooves. I see now that this is the leaden discourse we can expect on TPF. Literalism or death.

[jdaw1]

Literalism or death.

No.

‘Animals’ is a metaphor. ‘Ungulates’ is more specific. What is about ungulates that is so heinous rather than, say, pangolins? To call somebody (or a bottle of Offley 1924) a skunk is a metaphor, but at least the specificity points to a particular sin.

So, to this reader at least, ‘ungulates’ seems less like a metaphor than random (moderately) obscure word that fell into your fingers whilst typing.

[jdaw1]

And I have resigned myself to dishing up something decent at the family Christmas, but a least three of us enjoy a proper glass of port and I do not feel inhibited about wrestling the bottle from my relatives.

Decanters labelled ‘A’ and ‘B’. You know which is which, and as you have a glass of each, those not privy won’t know which to seize.

[djewesbury]

Literalism or death.

No.

‘Animals’ is a metaphor. ‘Ungulates’ is more specific. What is about ungulates that is so heinous rather than, say, pangolins? To call somebody (or a bottle of Offley 1924) a skunk is a metaphor, but at least the specificity points to a particular sin.

So, to this reader at least, ‘ungulates’ seems less like a metaphor than random (moderately) obscure word that fell into your fingers whilst typing.

I suppose this goes back to Leviticus (etc) and the various statements made about the cleanliness / uncleanliness of different orders of animals. However, since this family includes zebras and giraffes, not notorious for their uncleanliness, I ward against an over-literal interpretation in this direction. I'd also cite the commonplace depiction of the devil as a half-ungulate, with cloven hoof. Certainly there is enough imagery in the history of both popular and elite culture to see that the cloven hoof is a common sign of deviance, impurity, or simple evil. The goat is the chief emblem here. I stand by ungulates. Words rarely fall into my fingers as I type. I nurture them for some time before communicating them to my fingers.

And I have resigned myself to dishing up something decent at the family Christmas, but a least three of us enjoy a proper glass of port and I do not feel inhibited about wrestling the bottle from my relatives.

Decanters labelled ‘A’ and ‘B’. You know which is which, and as you have a glass of each, those not privy won’t know which to seize.

This sounds like a dangerous game. And anyway, as soon as they see him reach for 'B' the game will be up. I think for a true blind you need 6 decanters, labelled 'A' to 'F', one of them to contain engine oil.

[PopulusTremula]

Admit it Daniel, what you really meant was a camel toe.

[djewesbury]

Admit it Daniel, what you really meant was a camel toe.

Did everyone else feel that? That was the tone dropping.

[Alex Bridgeman]

Admit it Daniel, what you really meant was a camel toe.

That is the funniest post in this entire thread and is the only one that made me laugh out loud.

Owen - you are not alone in your dilemma. Pretty much everyone who likes good wine faces this same problem. You want something decent to drink and to share with others, but you know that many - or perhaps even just one - of the others will simply neck what you bring and deprive you and others of the prolonged enjoyment that can come from sipping a good wine.

There are a number of strategies you can try:
(1) Bring the lowest quality wine which you will enjoy. Sandeman Vau 2003 or Tesco 1994 or Graham 1998 Crusted would seem to be excellent suggestions.
(2) Bring two bottles. One you share and one you hide under your chair. I have seen some esteemed people use this technique, even some producers.
(3) Bring two identical bottles you have opened and double-decanted. Leave one bottle within easy reach of guzzle-guts and one close to your right hand.
(4) Save every spoiled bottle you come across. Take one good and several spoiled bottles to you party. Pour from the spoiled bottles for the people who simply wish to consume alcohol and from the good bottles for the people who will appreciate what you bring.